Tuesday, September 8, 2009 will be ONE YEAR since we were blessed by having our son placed in our arms!!!! Was that day easy? no not at all. Was not easy to get to or go through. As happy and joyfilled as we were to FINALLY be in Taiwan and meet our baby face to face, Noah was petrified and his entire world came crashing down and changed. He had no clue that it was the beginning of a life with his forever family, all he knew was he was loosing everything he had ever known to go with these crazy people who he couldn't understand. It is hard to explain how one of the most wonderful and long anticipated days of my life could also at the same time be one of the most painful, gutwrenching days. I guess it is truly like a day of giving birth biologically because you have the labor and delivery that are so painful, but the joy of the baby in your arms!! When I look at my son I so admire him! I cannot begin to imagine what I would be like if almost a year ago someone came in and took me away from every person, thing, sight, smell, and taste I had ever known. I am amazed at how well Noah has done and is doing! I mean even what his clothes are washed in changed so I am sure they had a different smell and feel to them! Yes, it was to give him a family, and more love and attention than he could have known with having so many babies and so few people. BUT, he did NOT know that. He cried, he grieved. I can't even fathom the fear he felt and for how long, probably longer than I even know. I wonder at times if he still remembers or not. I think about the fear I felt taking planes for the first time ever, the fear I felt when on the way back holding my baby boy the plane began to quickly desend during what we guess to be the typhoon weather. That petrifying fear was probably NOTHING compared to the fear that my sweet Panda boy was going through on our Gotcha day and for who knows how long after. I can't even put into words the pain I felt for him, how hard I grieved over his grief. My worries about IF I would feel like his mom were put to rest as soon as he began screaming and his fear and pain tore my heart out. I was emotionally bonded to him at that moment. My worries about could I love in real life the baby in the pictures I had clung to for 10 and half months were gone. I knew I loved this, MY SON, this gift from God and the country of Taiwan. But even with that the GUILT began. If I love him WHY am I putting him through this. Is it fair to him for me to come in and take him away from everything he knows, to frighten him? There are still days from time to time I worry. When someone warns me about RAD or says something about Noah being adopted and "That's because he is adopted!" or "Maybe its because you are not his real mother" I worry but then I think WHAT, I am his REAL mother. I am the mother God chose of Noah. I KNOW that Noah would not have come home without the help of the LORD! If the Father of the Universe trusts me to be Noah's Mother then how can I even worry. I want so much to be the best mother I can be for Noah. I want him to have the world. When I look back on our Gotcha Day and the first days with Noah I TREASURE that time. I received a wonderful gift that day. And in the long run I pray that the day will come that Noah will feel that he received a wonderful gift that day too!
We prayed about how to celebrate our first Gotcha day and decided that we will have a celebration party at Noah's favorite restraunt! It is a local Chinese Restraunt! :) If you are local PLEASE PLEASE take your family to supper at Chef Lee's Tuesday Night and come join us in the Banquet Room for a celebration! Here is a picture of the invitation I made!
We will celebrate 1 year since we were gifted with Noah! It is a celebration of the beginning of a new life, a future, a family growing. I know that Noah was born April 19, 2007 but for me I gave birth to my son September 8, 2008! A nurse did not place him in my arms, but his Nanny through the power of God moving during our paper pregnancy did! I am not sure if this post makes ANY sense to anybody but I wanted to share. To those who have your babies home, Celebrate! :) For those still waiting, as we are again, just know that though it may be a hard day, it is still a wonderful day.
I want to thank each and every person reading this blog who has helped in ANY way to bring Noah home, or Jeremiah. To those who prayed, gave, listened, CALLED me at just the right time, shared in anyway I give you thanks from the bottom of my heart! To
Jackie and Jeff McDougall who shared this amazing day with us, Yall will ALWAYS hold a special place in our hearts, as will Miss Lucy who I had the JOY of witnessing join her forever family! I TREASURE the time we shared in Taiwan. I can't wait for the day we travel to CA and share breakfast again with yall! :) I will be forever grateful to Noah's birth mother for the gift she gave, to Taiwan, to
St. Lucy's for the love, care, time, energy, and for approving our family and allowing us to even go to court to adopt Noah, and to Liza and Val and everyone over at
Heartsent Adoptions! Y'all are my Hero's! :)
I have succeeded in crying my eyes out as I typed this post. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of grief for what my Panda Boy went through, and tears of grattitude that he lays here by me in my chair and sleeps as I share my heart with yall!
