I thought I would post a bit about some things with us. I find myself feeling overwhelmed alot lately with so many things. We are in need of prayer on several issues and some I can share and some are unspoken. One thing going on with us at this point is a church change. We are in a season of our lives where our boys are our life. THEY are priority. We as adults know who the Lord is, know where to learn more about God and know how to worship and praise...mind you we need reminders and dont always do even what we KNOW to do, but we have heard all the truths of God. Our boys are little. They are at that point in life where they are just learning what everything is in the world. As they are learning ball, cat, dog, phone, barney, etc. I want them learning Jesus, God, Church, pray, praise, worship, love, care, moses, noah, daniel and the lions den and list goes on. We promised God before Noah that we would raise our children to the Lord! We came to a point where we realized we were NOT doing that. I mean we talk about God, we bless our food, we read Bible stories at home and sing bible songs to them and all as we will always do, but even before we went to get Jeremiah I began having stirrings in my soul about the Church we were in and its focus and what was offered for the children and litle children. I was so emotional and busy with fundraising and all I convinced myself that was NOT the time to make decisions so big. We prayed as a couple and continued on with the journey to Jeremiah and going where we were Church wise. Then Jeremiah came home and the hopsital happend. Intensive care happend. Death's door kept swinging in our faces. Some folks in the church were there for us. They came to the hospital, they prayed, they brought food, they supported us and we thought WOW how amazing. Then I brought Jeremiah home and began our life at home. We made a choice to keep Jeremiah home for a good while on the advise of the doctor and during that time Celeste and Bobby attended and I kept up with folks as I could on facebook. During this same time the church made a decision to stop; Sunday school. There was and is no children's programming for preschool children, only a nursery that shows barney and sings preschool songs but nothing about God in there. You would never know you were in a Church. Anyway, A lonliness that was already in my heart began to grow and grow during this time I was home with Jeremiah. I told myself that it was because I was not there. I have been doing so much self reflecting during all this time and realizing in the over a year we were at this church I did not have even one relationship with anyone in the church outside of church. Had never been invited to one bday party the entire time there, never invited to dinner at someone's home or out with them or anything. During that time not one person accepted invitations to our home for parties for Noah , or Bobby or anything. These are great amazing Godly people but apparently we personally had not found a nich, or formed any true friendships, though there are people I deeply care about and will miss. I kept trying to pray and ask God why I felt the way I did. I did not want to make decisions based on feelings. And we kept looking at our boys and their needs. So we contacted pastors wife about when a class would start again for our children and the answer given was there are no plans to start back sunday school at all for any ages. There is a wednesday night class for older children but that is all. Now this totally devastated me. I kept praying that they would see the need for the children to have programming and how important this is. Well, obvisously our goals in life, our thoughts on children, and alot of things are just different. So through much prayer we decided it is time to seek something different for our family. This is a very hard thing for me. I am TRYING to now allow myself to feel hurt feelings because not ONE TIME in the entire time we have been home with Jeremiah from the hospital did I recieve a call, text, email, or anything from anyone asking about me or him. I had gotten my feelings hurt about that and told myself it was just they were busy and not that they did not care and so when it came time to have Jeremiah dedicated and start back to Church we had his dedication and I was so excited :) We gave this baby boy with the critical prognosis up to God and swore to raise him as God would have us as long as HE blessed us with Jeremiah in our lives. So then when I realized there was nothing to take this child to other than barney in the nursery I just kept waiting for them to start something back. When we were told that nothing would be starting thorugh prayer we decided to visit some othe rplaces. There are 2 places we have been visiting and are very improessed with the children's program and their outlook on children as a whole. They also both have strong men's and womens and young adult ministries which were also lacking where we were. So, I believe these will be good changes for all of us, and Noah seems soo comfortable at both we are visiting and at ease and all. One place in particular has a certain calming feel about just being there. I am very nervous, very conflicted about knowing where is the right place to be. I keep telling myself God does not care where we go as long as we are trying to seek Him and live for Him, and to a certain extent that might be true but we also want to make sure we are in HIS will. I have been feeling down overall so this is probably a bad time for me to be searching and all to begin with. Also it has come to me as of late that I, and at least some of the rest of my family, have really not healed from hurts in the past by Church we were in. And so I think realzing that makes me even more fearful of trusting anyone or anything at this point. That is not good :( I am not sure if any of this is coming out correctly at all but I am just feeling like I need to talk and taht I personally need prayer as does our entire family for this journey with Church and healing from past hurts, and then some unspoken requests like I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I feel so very alone with so many things and I dont like that feeling at all. It is odd to me that at this time with Jeremiah and the uncerntainty of the future and the awful prognosis and the HOPE of proving docs wrong that I find myself feeling so like in my day to day life I dont have a group of close friends to lean on. I am blessed to have online friends who I worry I will be a burden on if I call, or write them so I dont but I post snippets on facebook and have alot of folks respond sometimes and that is so prescious to me. This morning I posted this statement on my facebook profile...
Sometimes your heart cries out in praise and worship to God but you need someone on either side to hold each arm up physically in praise to God.
what I didnt say that I felt through tears today was I feel like I do not have 2 friends to stand on either side and hold up each arm as I cry out to God in praise and worship and prayer.
I feel guilty for feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me that I don't have close friends in my day to day life like I once did. I feel like some of those friendships were not healthy, not reciprical, but rather than being able to have them healthy and reciprical they are gone completly.
Wednesday night we visited one of the churches and the pastor said something along these lines...
"what do you do when you have been fully obedient and fully faithful to what God was calling you to do and you find yourself in a desserted place".
That spoke volumes to me and at least one other person in my family.
Alot of where we r today, alot of pain I feel at this moment that is causing these tears to flow have been caused because of being penalized for doing what we thought was right. For fighting for what is best for one of our 3 kids. and what would be what God would have us to do. Little did we know that we might loose everyone in our lives because of decisions. And now I find myself feeling like we have made a decision that some do not agree with even that have nothing to do with our daily lives.
I think I best stop writing now because i dont think I am making alot of sence, my crying is getting worse and hard to type and I am not sure how much blog readership I have anymore anyway.
we went to fire station open house today and got some adorable pictures. I tried yet again to upload pics and for some reason got it to let me put one in, bu tno more. weird. if you are on my facebook there will be more up there as soon as I can get them up, facebook takes forever now to upload pics :( anyway I am tamijoy sisemore there.
If you read all this...thank you... and if you think about it please pray for me and also for our unspoken request
