Please Lord not yet...to Hallelujah!

Let me preface this with saying I have been awake for 38 plus hours at this point so if this post does not make sense you know why!

Jeremiah has not been feeling up to par and on Friday the home health nurse said he sounded "junky" in his chest and suggested we start back up with some breathing treatments.  He started running a low fever and all and then yesterday evening his fever went up to 102.1 and I gave him the prescription motrin.. 30 minutes later, temp still the same,  at 2  hours after motrin it finally went down to 101.  then at 4 hours I gave motrin again and instead of going down it went UP.  Then we got it down  a bit again and so it was a battle on and off and he was feeling so yucky.  Well, as the night progressed things got worse and at 1:30 am it was 101.6 and he was crying on and off and just sounding yucky. at 2:10 am after motrin and measures to reduce fever it went up over 103 AFTER measures to reduce it, and he was actiing like he acted the night things went REALLY bad at the hospital when the sepsis was so massive.  So we determined that he needed to go to ER.  I am getting him ready to go and I just emotionally lost it.  I had thought I was doing so well with his prognosis of "none" and with having FAITH and not believing it and all but when I saw him like that again and this FEAR welled up in me and I am holding him and crying and begging God saying PLEASE LORD NOT YET!  I am so NOT ready for the worst to happen.  Will I ever be?  HOW can I ever be?  I thought I was having faith and had gotten to the point that I could live without the fear of it but it was a petrfying evening.  We took Jeremiah to the hospital and they did xrays and said his lungs look good, no pneumonia or effusions this time.  He has a bacterial respiratory infection. He is just really fragile so when he is sick it is just going to be more extreme than with others.  A small cold that might be a nusance for a baby is gonna be HUGE for Jeremiah and being sick at all is dangerous.  Blessedly we were not admitted and were able to come home and he is on antibiotics and such.  He is still running fever and we are having to keep the motrin going but it has not gotten up to the 103 again, Thank God!  I am still feeling very shaky with how the FEAR that THIS WAS IT made me feel.  I am cryin now as I write this.  I dont' know want to believe that it is goin to happen.  I want a miracle and I KNOW God is ABLE to give that miracle, but I also know that there is no way to know what will happen. 

So as we have gone through the day and tonight being Hallelujah Night and and all I battled in my mind what to do about going to a Church festival thing that we were invited too.  I mean Jeremiah is sick and all, but I keep thinking about so many things, WHAT IF this is the only one he has.  I HATE thinking like that but it is a reality for me.  I want to make the most of every single minute of life for Jeremiah and for tha tmatter for us all because really none of us is promised tomorow.  So we finally determined that Jeremiah was protected with antibiotics and was going to be in his chair or our arms the entire time and not really around anyone else in case if he is contagious or touching very much or anything so we decided to give it a go.  So we went and drove 2 towns over to go to the Church we were invited too and there was not a soul there!  No sign of even activity to get ready for later in case I had the time wrong or something. I mean nothing. :( Not sure how thishappend but here we were with 3 characters in the back seat ready for a fun night and NOTHING was happening.  I CRIED!  So then we are in search of a party to crash, lol. I was deteremined, again thinking WHAT IF this is the only year, and so we found one a a Church down the road from our house and we went.  NOAH had a total blast, he loved it, ate his supper well, played the games and decided he loved this getting candy thing!  He is soo big on candy!  TOO BIG on it.  He will decide at some point during the day he wants candy and have a hissy for it.  I dont give in but he still has a fit over and over.  So for a good while now there is candy available and we will have fits I am sure when we  ant eat it 24/7.  Anyway overall it was a good festival but I cried so much.  I had such a hard time trying to figure out how to include Jeremiah in everything.  Some ofthe games we did with him, helping his hands throw a football toss, etc.  but some places we couldnt get him in with his chair, and some even when I picked him up to try and do it, It was difficult to hold him up and then try and force his hands to do what they needed to and such.  It was just a very emotional time for me feeling like he is on the oustide looking in, excpet he is really listening in because he can't see it really.  I have to come up with more and more ways to give him joy and experiences where he is much more included.


I am exhausted this night and I am sad about things my Jeremiah will miss out on in life, but oh so thankful to the LORD that is was NOT YET for him this time.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be praying that it will be NOT YET for a LONG LONG LONG time to come!  I so want him to be a middle age adult proving them all wrong and telling them to GOD be the Glory, great things HE hath done!  Please pray for my heart to hold onto that dream in FAITH and NOT live in fear.   I am sick at my stomach still with those feelings that rose up when he was looking so sick. 

I pray you all enjoyed this night with your families and all.  We choose to call it Hallelujah Night as we want to give God the night back, when in so many times it is a night for evil.  Sadly now adays evil folks dont need halloween to be evil really.  But in my Hallelujah night tonight I do give a shout of Hallelujah out to God for the fact ath my Jeremiah is ALIVE and able to snuggle with me!  It is a miracle we ever were abl to comeple the adoption and go get him, it is a miracle he lived at  birth and that he lived long enough to wait in Taiwan for us, it is a miracle to that he lived through the first 31 days in America in the intensive care and it is a miracle to shout Hallelujah to God that the Lord heard my cry of not yet and allowed my baby boy to be getting better!

I will post some pictures of all the activities of hte past few days soon, but I am exhausted afte rour night in ER and all and no sleep and I need to go to bed.

thanks for letting me vent, please dont think bad of me guys for being scared, and please help hold me up when I think I am gonna fall under the weight of all this that is hitting me emotionally.  PLEASE keep my baby boy in prayer.

I send you all kisses in the wind.  Goodnight