Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

And I thought I knew what hard was...

I thought 14 and half months of fundraising was hard! Especially so soon after 10 and half months of fundraising for Noah! But I now know those times were so easy in comparison to this time in our life. We are on day 21 of the hospital and day 18 of PICU with my sweet frogie boy! Coming straight home from Taiwan and watching your new son fight for his life over and over, now THAT is hard!!! I don't think anyone envisions this happening and I have been through so many emotions and thoughts of what did I do to make this happen, did something happen on planes. Why why why! The docs say this sepsis and pneumonia were underlying for awhile but why didn't it show up and thank God it didn't happen on plane or right before we arrived and keep us from getting him! All along  during the journey and wait I kept saying I pray we learned what God had for us to learn in the waiting and now I say the same thing! Let me learn Lord! There is so much about this that is hard, watching doctors and Nurses literally run around scared
for your baby's life, watching the vitals crash, choosing between your critically ill new baby and your 3 year old whose whole world has changed and now he can't be with mommy every minute. It tore my heart in two having to leave Noah in the waiting room to be in here with Jeremiah and again having to leave Jeremiah at night with Bobby to go to a screaming  Noah in the waiting room!  Watching my daughter try to help Noah be ok without me and how hard that is for her and now watching her upset that Noah now prefers her to me and will cry for her. It kills her and me and Bobby cuz he wants Noah to want him. There is so much more I could share but you understand I think! A few have said they feel so sorry for me that I am going through this and that after all we went through to get Jeremiah we might loose him. Don't feel sorry for us!! One hour with that amazing baby made every second of it all worth it! He so blesses us! God gave me this amazing baby boy and no matter how hard this time is it's all about him and what he needs!! Even if the doctors are right and he is as bad as they think he soo deserve to know the Love of a family and to experiece as much of life as he can! I am doubting this post is making since and I am not sure why I am writing other than it's been a hard day, while asleep last night the night nurse changed Jeremiah's gown and didn't keep his paci and paci holder! The very first one is now gone! I have cried my eyes out all day and so has Jeremiah because he became very attachd to it all this time docs won't let him eat a bottle! I have been more emotional today since that happened! I don't know why this happened to Jeremiah and why he has not been able to be at home and experience family, his swing, start all his therapies ect. But I know that God had mercy and saved his life! Every time I think my baby had 500 times the normal Procalcitonin of sepsis and people die with regular sepsis I am more amazed at the power of God!!!! The doctors have said it is a miracle he lived to get to 
America and that he lived through this battle! We are still in icu but he is doing amazing!! Please forgive any comfusion In this as I am exhausted! 

To God be the glory, great things HE has done!!!!!!!! Sending this by the blessing of my phone!!


The Family K. said...

So much to say, but I'll keep it short and sweet with two thoughts: 1) you are amazing woman to keep soldiering through with such good perspective. I've always said you had a big heart and I challenge anyone to prove me wrong. 2) You're right: God is amazing. Somewhere through all this chaos, he is working out a wise plan. I continue to pray for and think of you guys.

Room for More said...

Tami, I too have so much to say, but will just say that you are a true woman of God. You are allowing Him to mold you and shape you and your family. I know your physical body is weary and your heart yearns to have everyone home, but your spiritual anchor helps you see past all of that and keeps you on course. I continue to pray for strength, wisdom, patience, peace, joy, and longsuffering for you and Bobby both. We love you! ((((HUGE hugs from Texas))))

Pink Velvet Mommy said...

I have no idea how you are holding up. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling and needing. How you are able to stay faithful and strong is something only a godly woman could do.

We think you and your family often throughout the day. Please know we are sending you our thoughts, and prayers. Wishing for strength and peace for you. Wishing for a miracle for your sweet boy!!

Sending you good wishes!!

Annie said...

Tami, it is good to pour out your heart and express how you are feeling. You are an example of faith and I am amazed at your strength. I will keep praying for Jeremiah. I hate too that they lost his paci and he can't have his bottle, poor guy needs his comfort! But we will pray for God to be his comfort. And don't worry, Noah has his heart anchored in you and Bobby, he will be fine once you all are back home!

Kat said...

Just got home from Ethiopia with the twins Tami and didn't know what was going on...praying my friend.

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

You are sooo brave! I am continuing to pray as Jeremiah fights this and God heals, and you all fight to stay together. Hard days.....stink!!! SO SORRY! PRAYING!

Terri Fisher said...

God brought you to mind over and over thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God has a plan and He is always good...keep trusting!

Sandra & Steve said...

Your powerful love for your children shines through every word of your post, you are coming through loud and clear, not rambling at all. May this crisis pass so you can enjoy being the wonderful mother you are to all your children. ps tell Bobby not to be upset, I think its programmed in all little ones to prefer a maternal figure when they feel upset, just nature, the love is there for him too. ;0)

Natalie said...

Tami, praying for you and all your family.

Cheryl said...

i love this post, write more of your heart, more often. it makes total sense to me, not confusing at all. i so understand. i do. write it down, don't forget the feelings and the emotions and the god moments where he speaks and gives you such wisdom as you write here. people need to hear this truth- though it is obvious to us, they don't understand. we feel sad for them, staying on the safe path, missing out on god and his glory and change within and seeing his miracles....

THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year

Kisses in the Wind

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.

When Love Takes You In!