Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Friday, January 28, 2011

run away...

So, I am feeling really yuck at this point and very guilty but I seriouly want to run away for a night or weekend!  For real..  it is soo unlike me to want to leave my kids and so I am in tears over this.  I am not sure why this desire is so strong and I will have to get over it because there is noone on the planet I can leave Noah with as he will scream and thrash and harm himself the ENTIRE TIME :(  Poor guy, his attachement issues are so great.  I spoke with a therapist friend about it and she said even with him being 16 and a half months old when we came home that he still fears that I will abandon him.  I know that it was very traumatic for him when we got him but I really did not expect him to till be soo afraid of me leaving over 2 years late.  It is soo hard for him even for me to take a bath and leave him in the next room.  We do it but I alway end up rushing back out to a major come apart.  he will start out ok for awhile now and then something happens.  Sunday school they bring him to me becaue they can't handle him when he wigs.  So I know that it is something that we have to deal with and the day will come eventually.  I mean he can now go with Celete or bobby on an errand and leave me and be ok for  a short time, but I can't leave him.  and when he gets tired all bets are off.  Then my sweet frogie boy with his special needs most are not able to care for him or comfortable doing so.  I MOST OF THE TIME don't realy care anyway because I am not one that likes to leave my kids so its fine, BUT for some reason right now I just want to get away.. for a night or the weekend.  Silly thing is even if they were at a point where I could leave them with someone I would worry the entier time  sooo what is WRONG WITH ME and why can't I just be ok with the fact tha tI have to pull it together.  I dont want to run away and do anything particually great or anything, it more silly.  I want to go to a hotel with Bobby and snuggle in bed and watch Tv and hold the flipper and just watch fun stuff, nothing with Elmo or barney.  More like The duggars and house hunters property virgins, yes to the dress, cake boss, cooking,, or a bunch of romantic comedies or something!  and have food delivered to me in the bed the entire time anytime I was hungry or thrirty.  silly I know.  The silliest thing is I am on verge of tear on and off today becaue I soo feel this urge to run away and desire to just be alone with hubby and snuggle have a back rub without Noah JUMPING on my back, etc.  But I dont want to leave my kids, I love them, I KNEW that they had needs that would require me to not be able to just go off and leave them with someone so I am so conflicted with my feelings right now and I am SURE this makes NO SENSE at all to anyone else :(  And to top it all off I am SOOOO HOT!  its JANUARY and I am burning up!  Gotta love Louisiana!  sigh  well just thought I would blog because getting the feelings out might make me feel better and help me deal with them and be happy that I have my family and that God has blessed me with these sweet treasures!  And I am happy.  I think I need to find a baby bed mattress or a toddler bed that someone is getting rid of and put it at the foot of my bed.  Once Noah is asleep maybe we could move him there and snuggle and watch quiet tv, or play cards or something and it would be a mini vacation. lol
THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year

Kisses in the Wind

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.

When Love Takes You In!