Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Friday, January 28, 2011

run away...

So, I am feeling really yuck at this point and very guilty but I seriouly want to run away for a night or weekend!  For real..  it is soo unlike me to want to leave my kids and so I am in tears over this.  I am not sure why this desire is so strong and I will have to get over it because there is noone on the planet I can leave Noah with as he will scream and thrash and harm himself the ENTIRE TIME :(  Poor guy, his attachement issues are so great.  I spoke with a therapist friend about it and she said even with him being 16 and a half months old when we came home that he still fears that I will abandon him.  I know that it was very traumatic for him when we got him but I really did not expect him to till be soo afraid of me leaving over 2 years late.  It is soo hard for him even for me to take a bath and leave him in the next room.  We do it but I alway end up rushing back out to a major come apart.  he will start out ok for awhile now and then something happens.  Sunday school they bring him to me becaue they can't handle him when he wigs.  So I know that it is something that we have to deal with and the day will come eventually.  I mean he can now go with Celete or bobby on an errand and leave me and be ok for  a short time, but I can't leave him.  and when he gets tired all bets are off.  Then my sweet frogie boy with his special needs most are not able to care for him or comfortable doing so.  I MOST OF THE TIME don't realy care anyway because I am not one that likes to leave my kids so its fine, BUT for some reason right now I just want to get away.. for a night or the weekend.  Silly thing is even if they were at a point where I could leave them with someone I would worry the entier time  sooo what is WRONG WITH ME and why can't I just be ok with the fact tha tI have to pull it together.  I dont want to run away and do anything particually great or anything, it more silly.  I want to go to a hotel with Bobby and snuggle in bed and watch Tv and hold the flipper and just watch fun stuff, nothing with Elmo or barney.  More like The duggars and house hunters property virgins, yes to the dress, cake boss, cooking,, or a bunch of romantic comedies or something!  and have food delivered to me in the bed the entire time anytime I was hungry or thrirty.  silly I know.  The silliest thing is I am on verge of tear on and off today becaue I soo feel this urge to run away and desire to just be alone with hubby and snuggle have a back rub without Noah JUMPING on my back, etc.  But I dont want to leave my kids, I love them, I KNEW that they had needs that would require me to not be able to just go off and leave them with someone so I am so conflicted with my feelings right now and I am SURE this makes NO SENSE at all to anyone else :(  And to top it all off I am SOOOO HOT!  its JANUARY and I am burning up!  Gotta love Louisiana!  sigh  well just thought I would blog because getting the feelings out might make me feel better and help me deal with them and be happy that I have my family and that God has blessed me with these sweet treasures!  And I am happy.  I think I need to find a baby bed mattress or a toddler bed that someone is getting rid of and put it at the foot of my bed.  Once Noah is asleep maybe we could move him there and snuggle and watch quiet tv, or play cards or something and it would be a mini vacation. lol


Linnea said...

Ok first lemme address the weather- You stink! We have had 3 weeks of constant snow, about a foot more than last years total and last year we had about 4 ft or in some place 6. Sigh. lol.

Also my husband and I hire a baby sitter who is so generous and only changes us 5.00 an hour for 5 kids. PTL! She is CPR certified, took a babysitter training course and has a SN brother adopted from China. We love her, too bad yall dont live close. Anyhow we go out every Sunday night. At first I ask another SN mom how they go out. She has a nurse and a son who is 18. She said they never go out ever. Well then I had tremendous guilt for even wanting to get away. Then I talked to other moms and they said that it is best for all our kids especially Noah that paul and I have a good marriage and how can we have that with kids in our bed, caring for kids 24/7. So Sundays every week we go out. We may be out only for an hour sometimes longer. Once we went grocery shopping together, lol. Yep that was our date and let me tell you it was divine! Our marriage has never been better and when I feel like I cant take another day of snot and puke and poop and crying and screaming and more poop and not eating and fit throwing and 3 hr doctor appointments with all 5 kids Sunday comes and for those brief moments I get filled up. Do I think about my kids the whole time I am gone, yep. But thats ok too.

It is good for you to leave for a time. How can you fill up their love tanks or wells if yours is empty?

Be blessed

If you ever need to chat my email is ashleelinnea at gmail dot com

Catalina said...

Been following your blog for a while, and was hoping that you could help me to put a call to pray for a little boy. Details are here:
Please spread the word, don't have to link to my blog at all, but if you could find prayer warriors for this boy - God will know where they need to go.

Michele said...

Oh Tami- Your feelings are so normal. You are on call 24/7 with no breaks. I know how it is when you can't even go to the bathroom by yourself! I know it is difficult for you to hire a babysitter right now and get away, but it sounds like you NEED it. Why don't you try hiring someone to come in a couple times while you are home- just for a few hours. Will Noah let someone else bath him and feed him dinner if yo are still there? Even if someone else plays with him while you can go and have dinner with your husband, alone in the other room. Maybe you could slowly transition him to accepting you leaving for a little at a time? I only know Noah from what you have posted, so maybe it won't work, but it sounds like you need a break. Good luck! I hope you are feeling better soon.

Annie said...

Tami, that is SO normal to have those feelings, so don't feel bad! You are a mom who gives and gives and sometimes, a mom needs a break just to be..well, a person!

I agree with Michele. I bet that you can find a babysitter in your area who works with SN kids. There are online babysitter sites where sitters can post their information, and you can even check their references. Then have her over for an hour or so a few times when you stay at home and see if Noah will get comfortable with her. Then you can transition by showering, or going out for a walk. Finally, you can do some actual outings! It will be worth it, Tami, I really think it will.

Once Noah has experienced your leaving a couple times, even if he is a bit upset, he will soon learn that you always come back.

I totally understand your desire to have a getaway. You are an awesome mom, but you may need to just refuel your energy and emotional reserves and that is why you are dreaming of this weekend away!

Denise said...

This is a normal Mommy thing!Now that Jax has got his trach and we are int he house doing round the clock care with him I get to where i just need a break.I get these urges and then feel guilty for thinking it.Its not that i dont love my babies sometimes its just an overwhelming i need a break feeling.Big hugs I can relate to how you feel.

QingLu Mama said...

I don't have a special needs child, so I can't imagine how trying it must be. You are under so much pressure 24/7. Filled with love for your three amazing kiddos, yes, but having to be the primary caregiver to your two younger ones is going to take it's toll.
I also never get out because Sammy will not stay with anyone but his Daddy, and that's usually scream-filled for the first 5 minutes. But I know we all need and deserve a break, you escpecially. Try to work on a plan to get out for just a bit each week, it will help!
You are obviously a very loving mother, so please don't ever feel guilty about needing a moment to yourself.

Room for More said...

Tami, what you are feeling is not selfish and very normal. Recharging your batteries is important so that you can be the mother God calls you to be! I will be praying that He provides a way for you to do just that!! ((HUGS))

michelle said...

Tami - Don't feel guilty for having these feelings. Being the major caregiver is an overwhelming task and you put your whole heart and soul into it. It's totally understandable that sometimes you do need a break.

I know it may be hard, but it will recharge your energies if you can have some alone time for an hour each day.

Take care of yourself!

The Jones Clan said...

It's completely normal and you need to start giving Noah more space. It isn't healthy for either of you. He needs to know that you will always come back and he needs to know that he is okay without you for a while. It's morbid to say, but what if you died tomorrow? He would have to deal with it. So I would start slowly but firmly.
And big hugs because I know exactly how you feel. :o)

THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year

Kisses in the Wind

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.

When Love Takes You In!