Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I need to talk and share prayer needs...

I thought I would post a bit about some things with us.  I find myself feeling overwhelmed alot lately with so many things.  We are in need of prayer on several issues and some I can share and some are unspoken.  One thing going on with us at this point is a church change.  We are in  a season of our lives where our boys are our life. THEY are priority.  We as adults know who the Lord is, know where to learn more about God and know how to worship and praise...mind you we need reminders and dont always do even what we KNOW to do, but we have heard all the truths of God.  Our boys are little.  They are at that point in life where they are just learning what everything is in the world.  As they are learning ball, cat, dog, phone, barney, etc.  I want them learning Jesus, God, Church, pray, praise, worship, love, care, moses, noah, daniel and the lions den and list goes on.  We promised God before Noah that we would raise our children to the Lord!  We came to a point where we realized we were NOT doing that.  I mean we talk about God, we bless our food, we read Bible stories at home and sing bible songs to them and all as we will always do, but even before we went to get Jeremiah I began having stirrings in my soul about the Church we were in and its focus and what was offered for the children and litle children. I was so emotional and busy with fundraising and all I convinced myself that was NOT the time to make decisions so big.  We prayed as a couple and continued on with the journey to Jeremiah and going where we were Church wise.  Then Jeremiah came home and the hopsital happend.  Intensive care happend.  Death's door kept swinging in our faces.  Some folks in the church were there for us.  They came to the hospital, they prayed, they brought food, they supported us and we thought WOW how amazing.  Then I brought Jeremiah home and began our life at home.  We made a choice to keep Jeremiah home for a good while on the advise of the doctor and during that time Celeste and Bobby attended and I kept up with folks as I could on facebook.  During this same time the church made a decision to stop; Sunday school.  There was and is no children's programming for preschool children, only a nursery that shows barney and sings preschool songs but nothing about God in there.  You would never know you were in a Church.  Anyway, A lonliness that was already in my heart began to grow and grow during this time I was home with Jeremiah. I told myself that it was because I was not there.  I have been doing so much self reflecting during all this time and realizing in the over a year we were at this church I did not have even one relationship with anyone in the church outside of church.  Had never been invited to one bday party the entire time there, never invited to dinner at someone's home or out with them or anything. During that time not one person accepted invitations to our home for parties for Noah , or Bobby or anything.  These are great amazing Godly people but apparently we personally had not found a nich, or formed any true friendships, though there are people I deeply care about and will miss.  I kept trying to pray and ask God why I felt the way I did.  I did not want to make decisions based on feelings.  And we kept looking at our boys and their needs.  So we contacted pastors wife about when a class would start again for our children and the answer given was there are no plans to start back sunday school at all for any ages.  There is a wednesday night class for older children but that is all.  Now this totally devastated me.  I kept praying that they would see the need for the children to have programming and how important this is.  Well, obvisously our goals in life, our thoughts on children, and alot of things are just different.  So through much prayer we decided it is time to seek something different for our family.  This is a very hard thing for me.  I am TRYING to now allow myself to feel hurt feelings because not ONE TIME in the entire time we have been home with Jeremiah from the hospital did I recieve a call, text, email, or anything from anyone asking about me or him.  I had gotten my feelings hurt about that and told myself it was just they were busy and not that they did not care and so when it came time to have Jeremiah dedicated and start back to Church we had his dedication and I was so excited :)  We gave this baby boy with the critical prognosis up to God and swore to raise him as God would have us as long as HE blessed us with Jeremiah in our lives.  So then when I realized there was nothing to take this child to other than barney in the nursery I just kept waiting for them to start something back. When we were told that nothing would be starting thorugh prayer we decided to visit some othe rplaces.  There are 2  places we have been visiting and are very improessed with the children's program and their outlook on children as a whole.  They also both have strong men's and womens and young adult ministries which were also lacking where we were.  So, I believe these will be good changes for all of us, and Noah seems soo comfortable at both we are visiting and at ease and all.  One place in particular has a certain calming feel about just being there.  I am  very nervous, very conflicted about knowing where is the right place to be.  I keep telling myself God does not care where we go as long as we are trying to seek Him and live for Him, and to a certain extent that might be true but we also want to make sure we are in HIS will.  I have been feeling down overall so this is probably a bad time for me to be searching and all to begin with.  Also it has come to me as of late that I, and at least some of the rest of my family, have really not healed from hurts in the past by Church we were in.  And so I think realzing that makes me even more fearful of trusting anyone or anything at this point.  That is not good :(  I am not sure if any of this is coming out correctly at all but I am just feeling like I need to talk and taht I personally need prayer as does our entire family for this journey with Church and healing from past hurts, and then some unspoken requests like I mentioned earlier.  Sometimes I feel so very alone with so many things and I dont like that feeling at all.  It is odd to me that at this time with Jeremiah and the uncerntainty of the future and the awful prognosis and the HOPE of proving docs wrong that I find myself feeling so like in my day to day life I dont have a group of close friends to lean on.  I am blessed to have online friends who I worry I will be a burden on if I call, or write them so I dont but I post snippets on facebook and have alot of folks respond sometimes and that is so prescious to me.  This morning I posted this statement on my facebook profile...
Sometimes your heart cries out in praise and worship to God but you need someone on either side to hold each arm up physically in praise to God. 

what I didnt say that I felt through tears today was I feel like I do not have 2 friends to stand on either side and hold up each arm as I cry out to God in praise and worship and prayer.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me that I don't have close friends in my day to day life like I once did.  I feel like some of those friendships were not healthy, not reciprical, but rather than being able to have them healthy and reciprical they are gone completly.

Wednesday night we visited one of the churches and the pastor said something along these lines...

"what do you do when you have been fully obedient and fully faithful to what God was calling you to do and you find yourself in a desserted place". 

That spoke volumes to me and at least one other person in my family. 

Alot of where we r today, alot of pain I feel at this moment that is causing these tears to flow have been caused because of being penalized for doing what we thought was right.  For fighting for what is best for one of our 3 kids.  and what would be what God would have us to do.  Little did we know that we might loose everyone in our lives because of decisions. And now I find myself feeling like we have made a decision that some do not agree with even that have nothing to do with our daily lives.

I think I best stop writing now because i dont think I am making alot of sence, my crying is getting worse and hard to type and I am not sure how much blog readership I have anymore anyway.

we went to fire station open house today and got some adorable pictures.  I tried yet again to upload pics and for some reason got it to let me put one in, bu tno more.  weird.  if you are on my facebook there will be more up there as soon as I can get them up, facebook takes forever now to upload pics :(  anyway I am tamijoy sisemore there.



If you read all this...thank you... and if you think about it please pray for me and also for our unspoken request

20 comments:

Julia said...

I'm praying for your Tami. Julia Nalle

The Family K. said...

You've surely got a lot on your heart. I'll pray for your encouragement.

In my experience, it usually takes a good 2 years+ to acclimate to a new church. Making good friends who'll stick with you through thick and thin is not easy. But don't lose heart! It can happen!

Sherri said...

Finding a Church that makes you happy really does take time. We have explored more then 4 before we found the one we call home and have been members there for over 3 years now. I'm not all that happy about their children's programs as they needed teachers, but I feel Sam does learn and he also attend Youth Group on Wedn night. That even took a while for them to get that going, it was from 7th to 12th and now they added 5th and 6th and he loves it. We have a ton of friends and it took a long time but they are our family. I know in my heart that's our Church. My Pastor even came to the hospital the morning of my surgery and prayed for me before they wheeled me in...I was so touched by that. So i'm saying PLEASE don't lose hope, it will happen, but not today or tomorrow - but it will happen and you and your family will be happy. GOD BLESS each of you and you are in my prayers!

Robin said...

I am so sorry things are so tough for you right now. You have been through a lot recently. I hope you find a church that is a better fit for where your family is now.

Tonya said...

Tami,
Sending prayers your way. I know exactly how you feel. I have loved my church for several years now, but feel it is no longer the best place for my child and future child. Like you, I have been visiting other places and feel some guilt about it.

Praying that the Lord leads you to the exact place you need to be!

Tonya

Amy L said...

Praying for you Tami. I follow your blog, but just don't comment often. But I love reading about your boys.:) Sending hugs your way,
Amy

WalkOnWaterMom said...

Oh, Tami-
My heart breaks for you. I am sorry you feel like your in the desert...with few there to comfort you! Finding the right church family is always a tough journey. I pray that God brings the rain to moisten your desert, friends for you to lean on, and support of your family and church! Praying for you! Hang in there! It has been a long hall.
On a side note, we have gone through major medical trama with our little ones, and I found myself feeling drained on the other side. Please try to take a timeout for your self every day...even if it is for just 15 minutes. (I go and lay fully clothed in the sun for that time...shhhh don't tell any one). But you need to. Taking care of medically fragile little guy, and loving on your ambitious toddler, making time for your husband and enjoying your teenage daughter...is a lot...take a time out! ((hugs and prayers))

Happymom4 aka Hope Anne said...

Finding a church where you can grow spiritually, and be supported as a family is important right now. And it's hard and can be scary. I'm praying for wisdom and peace for you all . . . and for healing. I wish I were closer and could support you in person, but I do hold you close in my heart and think about you different times during the day.

Hope Anne

Molly said...

I am praying you find a church you are comfortable with.

Rachel said...

I will be praying for you and your family!
I recently found a home church so I know how that can be.

Rachel
afamilyforanastasiya.blogspot.com
adventuresinthephilippines.blogspot.com

Shannon said...

My sweet, sweet friend,
I could have written almost this exact post a little over a year ago. We were in a church that dropped it's children's ministry and our children were expected to sit with us through the very dry services. This was fine on one hand but on another, it deeply stirred questions for us about what we wanted to be teaching our very small kids about Jesus. I wanted them to know that He is amazing, He can do anything, He loves us when we are broken adn just us like crazy! That is where they are at in understanding and instead we were teaching them that God expected them to be quiet and sit still when we came to church.
So we talked to the pastor who suggested that we start something. We were spent from leading youth group and worship and said that wouldn't work for us...so nothing happened.
I am writing all of this because what did happen, is we looked for another church. We found one that is AMAZING at children's ministry but even more than that, the first Sunday we were there I just sat with tears running down my face because it was so alive and real and honest, a place where people came broken and poured their hearts out to the Lord. A place that reminded us where our true hope comes from....and it has made all of the difference. they wept with us while we waited for Georgia, prayed and prayed and prayed with us as she got sicker, prayed us through the hospital time...and still through where we are now.
I had not realized how dry I was spiritually until we got there. It has made all of the difference for us. We still are in big crazy storms financially, physically (in the last 6 months we had a scare with me possibly having cancer, having 2 surgeries, walking very close to bankruptcy and now Georgia's stuff) and yet it feels like our marriage is thriving and we are able to fight the storms and SO much of it is because of our church family.
So...I say all of this to tell you, seek the place where you can be real, where people will come around you. Ask those questions, be vulnerable with the pastor and see teh repsomse you get. Because the Lord wants you to thrive. You ARE stepping in His will, being His hands and feet to your two precious boys and He does not want you to walk it alone.
Let's figure out how to meet! I live in Washington. I would love, love, love it!!!!!
Shannon

Shannon said...

My sweet, sweet friend,
I could have written almost this exact post a little over a year ago. We were in a church that dropped it's children's ministry and our children were expected to sit with us through the very dry services. This was fine on one hand but on another, it deeply stirred questions for us about what we wanted to be teaching our very small kids about Jesus. I wanted them to know that He is amazing, He can do anything, He loves us when we are broken adn just us like crazy! That is where they are at in understanding and instead we were teaching them that God expected them to be quiet and sit still when we came to church.
So we talked to the pastor who suggested that we start something. We were spent from leading youth group and worship and said that wouldn't work for us...so nothing happened.
I am writing all of this because what did happen, is we looked for another church. We found one that is AMAZING at children's ministry but even more than that, the first Sunday we were there I just sat with tears running down my face because it was so alive and real and honest, a place where people came broken and poured their hearts out to the Lord. A place that reminded us where our true hope comes from....and it has made all of the difference. they wept with us while we waited for Georgia, prayed and prayed and prayed with us as she got sicker, prayed us through the hospital time...and still through where we are now.
I had not realized how dry I was spiritually until we got there. It has made all of the difference for us. We still are in big crazy storms financially, physically (in the last 6 months we had a scare with me possibly having cancer, having 2 surgeries, walking very close to bankruptcy and now Georgia's stuff) and yet it feels like our marriage is thriving and we are able to fight the storms and SO much of it is because of our church family.
So...I say all of this to tell you, seek the place where you can be real, where people will come around you. Ask those questions, be vulnerable with the pastor and see teh repsomse you get. Because the Lord wants you to thrive. You ARE stepping in His will, being His hands and feet to your two precious boys and He does not want you to walk it alone.
Let's figure out how to meet! I live in Washington. I would love, love, love it!!!!!
Shannon

Shannon said...

My sweet, sweet friend,
I could have written almost this exact post a little over a year ago. We were in a church that dropped it's children's ministry and our children were expected to sit with us through the very dry services. This was fine on one hand but on another, it deeply stirred questions for us about what we wanted to be teaching our very small kids about Jesus. I wanted them to know that He is amazing, He can do anything, He loves us when we are broken adn just us like crazy! That is where they are at in understanding and instead we were teaching them that God expected them to be quiet and sit still when we came to church.
So we talked to the pastor who suggested that we start something. We were spent from leading youth group and worship and said that wouldn't work for us...so nothing happened.
I am writing all of this because what did happen, is we looked for another church. We found one that is AMAZING at children's ministry but even more than that, the first Sunday we were there I just sat with tears running down my face because it was so alive and real and honest, a place where people came broken and poured their hearts out to the Lord. A place that reminded us where our true hope comes from....and it has made all of the difference. they wept with us while we waited for Georgia, prayed and prayed and prayed with us as she got sicker, prayed us through the hospital time...and still through where we are now.
I had not realized how dry I was spiritually until we got there. It has made all of the difference for us. We still are in big crazy storms financially, physically (in the last 6 months we had a scare with me possibly having cancer, having 2 surgeries, walking very close to bankruptcy and now Georgia's stuff) and yet it feels like our marriage is thriving and we are able to fight the storms and SO much of it is because of our church family.
So...I say all of this to tell you, seek the place where you can be real, where people will come around you. Ask those questions, be vulnerable with the pastor and see teh repsomse you get. Because the Lord wants you to thrive. You ARE stepping in His will, being His hands and feet to your two precious boys and He does not want you to walk it alone.
Let's figure out how to meet! I live in Washington. I would love, love, love it!!!!!
Shannon

Room for More said...

1. I did read all of it.
2. I am not on FB, so PLEASE e-mail me anytime!
3. I will be praying for you and Bobby to have wisdom and discernment for where He wants you to be to worship Him.

(((HUGS)))

Lisa said...

Tami~

I feel for you. I think we all have days or times when we feel lonely or isolated, even if we have a large social circle from which to depend on.

I too have been feeling estranged from our church and am trying to find my way back. I want to return to a time when I felt passionate about attending Mass and not simply out of duty or habit.

I'm sorry this has been such a rough time.

Darling pic of your little fireman!!

Annie said...

I will be praying for you, Tami. To find where you feel comfortable and mostly fellowship and friendship. I wish I lived closer so that we could visit together! Take your time and trust God to bring you to where He has planned. The nice thing is, you have time to look around, try a few places, pray, and decide.

Christy O said...

Hang in there! God may very well be moving you to such wonders that you cannot imagine! It is so hard for most of us to move and change, that quite often we stay long past when God wants to move us elsewhere to something better. God loves you and your precious family, and you need a church family that reflects your feeling/convictions on children and family and faith. God has great things in store, just take one step at a time!

Joanna B said...

Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog, Tammi! I feel like you "get" where we are coming from, as well. This path is so hard, but I wouldn't be without the little girl God gave me for anything!
I will be praying for you guys with your church, as well. having that support and friendship is so important!

~The Johnson Family~ said...

Oh Tami my heart is breaking for you. We will be praying for you and your beautiful family as you go through this season of change. Often times it is when we go through the fire that God brings us out of the fire as purified gold. We've been where you are and it is so hard but in the end God will bless your faithfulness in following him and in raising your children to follow in his footsteps as well.

Ruth said...

Hi Tami - Thinking of you and praying for you!

THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
AND NOW THE WAIT FOR JEREMIAH IS OVER TOO!!!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year


Kisses in the Wind

KISSES IN THE WIND
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.


May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.


When Love Takes You In!