Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Please Lord not Hallelujah!

Let me preface this with saying I have been awake for 38 plus hours at this point so if this post does not make sense you know why!

Jeremiah has not been feeling up to par and on Friday the home health nurse said he sounded "junky" in his chest and suggested we start back up with some breathing treatments.  He started running a low fever and all and then yesterday evening his fever went up to 102.1 and I gave him the prescription motrin.. 30 minutes later, temp still the same,  at 2  hours after motrin it finally went down to 101.  then at 4 hours I gave motrin again and instead of going down it went UP.  Then we got it down  a bit again and so it was a battle on and off and he was feeling so yucky.  Well, as the night progressed things got worse and at 1:30 am it was 101.6 and he was crying on and off and just sounding yucky. at 2:10 am after motrin and measures to reduce fever it went up over 103 AFTER measures to reduce it, and he was actiing like he acted the night things went REALLY bad at the hospital when the sepsis was so massive.  So we determined that he needed to go to ER.  I am getting him ready to go and I just emotionally lost it.  I had thought I was doing so well with his prognosis of "none" and with having FAITH and not believing it and all but when I saw him like that again and this FEAR welled up in me and I am holding him and crying and begging God saying PLEASE LORD NOT YET!  I am so NOT ready for the worst to happen.  Will I ever be?  HOW can I ever be?  I thought I was having faith and had gotten to the point that I could live without the fear of it but it was a petrfying evening.  We took Jeremiah to the hospital and they did xrays and said his lungs look good, no pneumonia or effusions this time.  He has a bacterial respiratory infection. He is just really fragile so when he is sick it is just going to be more extreme than with others.  A small cold that might be a nusance for a baby is gonna be HUGE for Jeremiah and being sick at all is dangerous.  Blessedly we were not admitted and were able to come home and he is on antibiotics and such.  He is still running fever and we are having to keep the motrin going but it has not gotten up to the 103 again, Thank God!  I am still feeling very shaky with how the FEAR that THIS WAS IT made me feel.  I am cryin now as I write this.  I dont' know want to believe that it is goin to happen.  I want a miracle and I KNOW God is ABLE to give that miracle, but I also know that there is no way to know what will happen. 

So as we have gone through the day and tonight being Hallelujah Night and and all I battled in my mind what to do about going to a Church festival thing that we were invited too.  I mean Jeremiah is sick and all, but I keep thinking about so many things, WHAT IF this is the only one he has.  I HATE thinking like that but it is a reality for me.  I want to make the most of every single minute of life for Jeremiah and for tha tmatter for us all because really none of us is promised tomorow.  So we finally determined that Jeremiah was protected with antibiotics and was going to be in his chair or our arms the entire time and not really around anyone else in case if he is contagious or touching very much or anything so we decided to give it a go.  So we went and drove 2 towns over to go to the Church we were invited too and there was not a soul there!  No sign of even activity to get ready for later in case I had the time wrong or something. I mean nothing. :( Not sure how thishappend but here we were with 3 characters in the back seat ready for a fun night and NOTHING was happening.  I CRIED!  So then we are in search of a party to crash, lol. I was deteremined, again thinking WHAT IF this is the only year, and so we found one a a Church down the road from our house and we went.  NOAH had a total blast, he loved it, ate his supper well, played the games and decided he loved this getting candy thing!  He is soo big on candy!  TOO BIG on it.  He will decide at some point during the day he wants candy and have a hissy for it.  I dont give in but he still has a fit over and over.  So for a good while now there is candy available and we will have fits I am sure when we  ant eat it 24/7.  Anyway overall it was a good festival but I cried so much.  I had such a hard time trying to figure out how to include Jeremiah in everything.  Some ofthe games we did with him, helping his hands throw a football toss, etc.  but some places we couldnt get him in with his chair, and some even when I picked him up to try and do it, It was difficult to hold him up and then try and force his hands to do what they needed to and such.  It was just a very emotional time for me feeling like he is on the oustide looking in, excpet he is really listening in because he can't see it really.  I have to come up with more and more ways to give him joy and experiences where he is much more included.

I am exhausted this night and I am sad about things my Jeremiah will miss out on in life, but oh so thankful to the LORD that is was NOT YET for him this time.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be praying that it will be NOT YET for a LONG LONG LONG time to come!  I so want him to be a middle age adult proving them all wrong and telling them to GOD be the Glory, great things HE hath done!  Please pray for my heart to hold onto that dream in FAITH and NOT live in fear.   I am sick at my stomach still with those feelings that rose up when he was looking so sick. 

I pray you all enjoyed this night with your families and all.  We choose to call it Hallelujah Night as we want to give God the night back, when in so many times it is a night for evil.  Sadly now adays evil folks dont need halloween to be evil really.  But in my Hallelujah night tonight I do give a shout of Hallelujah out to God for the fact ath my Jeremiah is ALIVE and able to snuggle with me!  It is a miracle we ever were abl to comeple the adoption and go get him, it is a miracle he lived at  birth and that he lived long enough to wait in Taiwan for us, it is a miracle to that he lived through the first 31 days in America in the intensive care and it is a miracle to shout Hallelujah to God that the Lord heard my cry of not yet and allowed my baby boy to be getting better!

I will post some pictures of all the activities of hte past few days soon, but I am exhausted afte rour night in ER and all and no sleep and I need to go to bed.

thanks for letting me vent, please dont think bad of me guys for being scared, and please help hold me up when I think I am gonna fall under the weight of all this that is hitting me emotionally.  PLEASE keep my baby boy in prayer.

I send you all kisses in the wind.  Goodnight


"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

PRAYING!!! Oh sweetie....those feelings rushed in. Praying against them. Praying against what the world says- BECAUSE ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE FOLLOWED CHRIST!!!! HE IS EVERYTHING!

PRAYING over your whole house- praying health & life!!!!!

Michelle said...

i cried with you.

Tia said...

It's fine to have these worries and fears - this is your precious boy and you want to have as long as possible with him, of course you do!

Joining in - with Mog we now don't try so much to get her to do everything everyone else is doing - her body just oesn't cope with that, and why cause her pain when it's supposed to be fun? She listens in, we pass things over for her to stroke and feel, we set things up so she can sometimes join in by kicking rather than trying to use arms which don't like moving. And, she has a little switch (LittleMac) which she can kick to play a prerecorded message - we either record something appropriate to the occasion or else something like "HEY! Pay attention to me!" which she thinks is really funny - and which does get people coming over to stroke her face or squeeze her fingers.

So it's a different kind of joining in just as it's a different kind of life.

This is new - don't panic about getting it right first time; it will all come. And in the meantime you got the most important bit absolutely right - he was there and so were you and he was and is LOVED.

Happymom4 aka Hope Anne said...

Sending support . . .and ditto the good things all the previous posters said.

The Family K. said...

I was about to scold you for staying up to write a blog post when you really should be sleeping! But after reading your post, how could I? You clearly have a lot on your heart. I celebrate Jeremiah's life with you and pray with you that he could live a long, full life. You're a great mom whose heart for your boys shines through.

(Now go get some sleep!:)

On Purpose said...

Hello Friend! As a follower of the Living My Life on Purpose blog we would like to invite you to its new location.

Please come visit us!

We want to continue doing life together on purpose!

THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year

Kisses in the Wind

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.

When Love Takes You In!