Fear... well I have had some fear in me lately and more coming as friday approaches. Life has been outright HARD lately. We have had Jeremiah sick and in hospital, Noah very sick and not holding anything down, me sick on and off , Celeste is sick now and on Tuesday my mother scared the snot out of me by having a mini stroke. We had to call the ambulance. they got here and said her blood pressure at that point (45 minutes into it) was 190/120. They believe it was higher when she was first having symptoms in her room that she was concerned about but waited over 30 minutes to come tell me. at the time she came to me her speech was slightly slurred and out of place. Rather than saying "I think i am having trouble talking" she said something like " I trouble with my talk I think me" or something like that, words all in wrong places. Was a VERY scary time. She is doing fine. They said it was a mini stroke, and it reveresed itself. She came home from the hosptial a few days later afte rmany tests. They feel this is a warning stroke for something bigger coming but at this point none of the tests really show them what is coming. They put her on a blood thinner and are watching her cholesterol and blood pressure closely. She will be needing me to take her to the doctors more frequently and will be seeing more different kinds of docs now. FEAR was big during all that, and also when Noah was so sick.
Another area of weird fear is my daughter has found a young man she is now officially dating. He is a liscensed children's pastor in Assembly of God Church. They both have similar callings on their lives and we can see where God can really use them as a couple. they and we and our pastor and the young man's mother all prayed for a month before they officially began dating. Well the 5th marked the month and they are dating. Now. Celeste was raised since age 5 for courtship but in this case she has chosen to not follow that path. At the age of 22 I can not stop her and it is very upsetting to me in ways but my goal for it was to protect her and guard her heart so nothing including her heart and emotions are givin to a man that is not her hubby. No baggage to carry into her marriage someday. Well, the dating is with accountability because of his ministry and all but he did share with me that he would not go forward into a dating relationship with her if he did not beleive she was the woman God had to be his wife. They do plan to take things slow (unlike her mama when she courted! LOL). The Fear part comes with the leave and cleave that will be coming and to be honest in ways is already happening. Her mind and heart think of nothing more than being with him, which is as it should be if this is her husband to be and all. But for a mama's heart it is still scary. I want nothing more than for my daughter to find the man of her dreams, get married have babies by birth and adoption and have an awesome ministry together. BUT things will be different between me and my baby girl, and they already are and it is sad but at the same time I am excited and happy for her but FEAR of what life will be like in coming years is scary.
Another FEAR thing is Friday. Friday, February 18, 2011 Jeremiah will be having surgery at Suttons Children's Hosptial in Shreveport, LA. FEAR is a a HUGE word in my heart right now. I really wish I could run for the hills and avoid this whole thing. BUT the doctors and my husband both tell me it is best for Jeremiah and it is goin to have to be done. His adnoids are blocking his nasal passage and it is affecting his breathing and also causing ALOT of mucous to form which he is then choking and gagging on. Leaving things as they are is dangerous. They are doing everything is the best timing possible. The reason for the date is because they (and us) want the same Intensivist that took care of him when he first came home to be over his care in the Intensive care after his surgery :) Well, he was off service and comes back today. So the surgery is planned for Friday. He will see the ENT on Wednesday and make sure he is in the best possible shape for the surgery. The plan is for a week in ICU after the surgery. They are more concerned about how he will do recouperating than the actual surgery and also getting him back off the ventilator of course. THIS is where the FAITH comes in. I HAVE to have faith and hold onto God. I want so bad for him to do soo much better than what they expect. I pray he gets off the vent much easier than they think and it out of ICU earlier than expected. But my biggest prayer is he have as painfree a time as possible with it and that he is strong enough to do so well. I pray against complications of any kind. The thought of goin back inot the ICU with my baby again sends me into shivering sobs. The thought of seeing him on a vent and not being able to pick him up and comfort him hurts me to my very core. I have to have FAITH that GOD will somehow use this to increase the glory! That somehow someoone will see the hand of God that might not otherwise. and I have to have FAITH that God is in control and will keep us safe! AND I have to have FAITH that Noah will do fine through it all too. ICU means periods where he can not be with me. It means Bobby and Celeste on surgery day and then just bobby the rest of the time will be having to try and help Noah deal with the times he can't have mama. And that I will have to at times let someone else be with Jeremaih and come out and spend time with Noah. It is so hard to feel split in two as a mama. When I am with Jeremiah and tending him I will want to be comforting Noah and helping him not be so uspet and scared to be away from mama and when I am calming Noah and spending time with him I will want to be with Jeremiah and making sure every need is taken care of and that he hears my voice and knows I am there loving him and have not left him. sigh FAITH, I want to do better at it. I NEED to do better. I feel like in the past few months I have NOT been a good child of God at all, have not been a faithful women or a light for Christ. I feel like I have been complaining too much and feeling overwhelmed. I may feel that way but would have it no other way. I LOVE my family and can't wait for God to grow it again in HIS time. I get mad at myself when life seems hard and I feel overwhelmed because I feel like a failure and that other moms would do so much better at this. I look at mentors of motherhood such at Michelle dugger, some above rubies moms, a friend with 10 kids, and I think WHY can't I be as faithful as them. Why can't I keep it together, why can't I have the calm sweet dispostion. what is wrong with me. I know if I have FAITH that just maybe God will change me into a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc. HE is the potter and I need to be moldable clay. Below is part of the blessing. This sunday in Children's church the teacher and children laid hands on Jeremiah and prayed for him for his upcoming surgery. Even if you are not a person of faith, please watch the video. It is such a sweet thing to behold and Jeremiah lifts his head up and turns toward the children, just like he is looking at them and knowing they are praying for him :) We are so blessed to have this Church in our lives and the prayers. I PRAY that nothing happens to change that blessing.
Noah still is not willing to stay away from mama and is still having fits and different issues. I have a luncheon meeting with the Nursery director and the teachers on thursday and I am very nervous about this meeting. We so love this Church and really feel this is where we are suppose to be and I adore the children's program and worry they are tired of me going in with noah. and even without noah needing me in order for Jeremiah to be a part I need to be there to care for him. I just worry about this whole meeting and am prayerful I can express correctly the needs of my children. It seems like NOBODY really understands Noah or even Jeremiah and his needs either. They both have special needs, just of a different kind. Seems so many think they know the perfect answer but dont take into affect so many things that make Noah , Noah. Anyway, please just be praying this meeting goes well and the Blessing of the Church and children's program can continue as is. My biggest fear is having to only take the boys to worship and them missing out on the wonderful time meant just for them.
I feel on the verge of tears so much lately and I do NOT want to be that way. It was spoken over me a long time ago that my name would be JOY! I want to exude the JOY of the Lord, and not be bogged down in how I physically feel or the FEAR and lack of faith. afterall fear is the absence of faith.
thanks for letting me share to those who still read along. It somehow helps, especially when some of you dear bloggy mama's comment with a pat on the back, word of encouragement or a prayer or soemthing. Now for what yall really want :) a few pics :) heehee
Noah showin off his color sheet. This side was done in light orange you can barely see he colored on it.
Jeremiah's color sheet mama helped him do. I put crayon in his hand and hold it and sometimes he will move on own and sometimes I have to do it. He actuall help it for a bit on his own yesterday and I moved his elbow!
Getting instruments out for worship
Noah thrilled to have scissors and get to try and cut!
Praying before class
A smiley guy!
sittin in his tumble form chair that mama was soo excited to get for $50 including shipping. They cost about $700 normally.
My favortie picture of Noah in I dont know when. Getting ready to go out in the snow/ice we had. He reminds me of another adoptive mama's oldest son so much especially in this picture.
hangin out at the hospital on daddy's birthday.
one of Noah's sweet sweet moments. See his hand on Nanny's arm. Worried about her while they were doing things to her :) He looks grown in that outfit. He got choked and got sick on his clothes and sent daddy to the store to get a cheap shirt, he got one 2 sizes too big. LOL
my brood :)
Noah nappin in daddy's recliner! His menagerie grows constantly but ALWAYS has Buddy (the panda) elmo and George( a gorilla wiht a paci that was Celeste's when little
another shot of Miah in his chair. He looks like he is about to get up out of there :)