Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone; but, still miraculously, my own.
Never forget, for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sharing...please read.

I wanted to post today and share a bit about how I have been feeling.  This adoption journey for Jeremiah is about so much more than me, and my desire to have a son, to care for a baby boy who so needs and deserves the loving arms of a family.  Not that those things are not happening or aren't important but it is about so much more.  It is about me coming to a new place of trust with the Lord.  About me realizing HE IS ALL I NEED!  Alot has happend in and through Noah's adoption and then we felt led to go for Jeremiah and at the time that leading was happening we were feeling led to leave our Church where I had been a member for over 8 years.  A place full of people at one time I so looked up to, and was to be honest dependent upon.  There were many reasons God moved our family from that Church but I will say it was a VERY painful and difficult thing to go through and more than 8 months later I am still dealing with it.  By dear friends I would have jumped in front of a bus for I was accused of leaving for deceitful and cruel reasons.  That the adoption in some way had something to do with it, and on and on when the various acusations.  It is funny to me because the timing of leaving my entire support system was HORRIBLE.  What nut would leave that when beginning an adoption journey where you would need prayer support, physical support, emotional support and such, but you add to that an adoption of a little guy who is sooo severely needy and that I will so need support as we bring him into our lives and love him and help him be all he can be.  That was the dumbest time on the planet to leave BUT it was the time we were to go.  I dont understand everything but I know the Lord sees all.  I would NEVER have believed following what we felt God was telling us would cost me everyone and everything.  I have had to come to terms with that at this point all I can believe is that most of the relationships I held so dear were conditional on my being in that Church and doing what they wanted and believed I should.  THAT was hard to come to realize.  BUT, in the midst of it all I am realizing that GOD is my all and all.  I need to lay all the pain down at HIS FEET!  One of my biggest fears in life is not having anyone, no friends, feeling like noone gives a care.  I am so blessed that even though I lost this day to day support I have been so blessed with a dear friend of 20 years who even though we do not see each other often, she is a phone call away, a couple restored relationships that are much healthier now than they were before, and an amazing group of online friends and others who live far off and we are in a Church full of amazing people and the opportunity for many friendships to come I PRAY!  My life is full.  And I do not have to buy the friendships I do have. And those to come I pray will be the same and very healthy ones.  God has been workin on me to allow him to heal me of so much pain.  I think when I went through the rejection because of following God that I put up bigger walls than I had ever put up before.   It is hard to open up and trust now.  I look at how things are going to change when Jeremiah comes home and at the unknowns of that but I can trust my Heavenly Father that He will help us with all we need.  My fears are another area that God is working on us.  Fear of the plane ride to come!  Y'all I would do anything to avoid getting on those planes again!  I thought once I flew I would conquer the fear for good but NOPE.  I dont mind the domestic flight to bad but that LONG international one where we dropped altitude and had such bad turbulence over Japan I am petrefied off.  I need to TRUST HIM and go on.  And then their is the fear of the money.  I know you all know that we are fundraising to bring Jeremiah home.  The financial end of things is why it is taking so long.  It is much harder fundraising this time than last, several grants are no longer available, loans are no longer available that we could get and alot we can't because of our situation.  Anyway, having to raise all this money and it taking so long scares me to death.  I am so worried about where it is coming from, but it is NOT my place to worry.  God will speak to His people.  Folks have been amazing and I know they donate when they can, do our giveaways when they can etc.  Even the $2 that those who have done the puzzle fundraiser help!  Believe me!  I have to trust God and He has already shown off and I can't wait to see how He will show off next in this!  It is not about me, or how hard I can work, or anything, it is about Him!  And I also have to lay down my worry for how long Jeremiah is waiting.  As I watch his hands contract up, and hear of medecines and different things and I think I am letting him down because it is taking so long  BUT I have to remember that GOD IS ABLE!  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  If He had wanted that money would have arrived in one lump sum 8 months ago, but that is not how God chose to do it.  He needed to increase my Faith, He needed to teach me things, whatever but I have to TRUST that He knows the date and hour we will be told to be there, he KNOWS that we need authentification fees, orphange donation, plane tickes, hotel rooms, train tickets, food, etc.  He knows.  Twice recently a young woman in our Church has led worship with a specific song.  BOTH times I have bawled my eyes out before the Lord during that song.  A gentleman in our Church put one of those times on you tube and so I have it hear to share with you.  PLEASE push play and listen.  Our Pastor speaks a minute before she starts singing.  Please do listen to the song and hear my cry to the Lord!  Even if you do not know the Lord and do not believe, please listen because it will show you a bit about what all this long post meant.  If you read this far, THANK YOU!!!!   PLEASE keep me in prayer and my sweet frogie boy!  And please keep the fundraising in prayer  We have a 2 day fundraiser at a local shop till you drop Sale this weekend.  PLEASE pray we do not loose money, that we will make something!  And please pray for our other fundraising coming up.  Here is the song.  Please let me know if any of this makes sense.



8 comments:

lorabelle said...

Tami,
I'm so sorry that you have been feeling so torn. Those are some pretty serious emotions you've been struggling with...
It's nice to know that your beliefs are strong and your faith, even stronger. I would imagine that your God is very proud of you right now.
I'm not sure that I could throw all of my raw emotions out here like you just did, so I would like to tell you that although it doesn't make a difference here or there, I am proud of you too...
It is sometimes hard for people to not judge others, I don't know why; maybe it's just human nature... Unfortunately, I've struggled with it at different times in my life too, but in most cases I've been lucky enough to come full circle and open my heart in order to see another side...

I'm sorry that you are hurting and I hope that God hears your cries and answers your prayers soon...
For you, your family and your sweet little boy who is waiting for you in Taiwan.

The Family K. said...

It sounds like it hasn't been an easy year for you at all. It's easy to underestimate how much changing churches can impact one's life, but it really does. From the sounds of it, it seems like you made the right choice. It may take a while for you to find your groove in your new surroundings, but once you do, I think you'll be in a healthier place than where you were before. You'll be in a position where you can draw strength to help you through the trials of your newest adoption journey. I do wonder if perhaps God hasn't given you both Noah and Jeremiah's adoptions as a way to keep you focused and to keep you moving and trusting during such uncertain times? Either way, I know he is a good and merciful God, despite everything that can and does sometimes happen. He will strengthen you to put one foot in front of the other. I often think of Elizabeth Elliot's strategy when she felt her world was coming down: don't concentrate on the overwhelming circumstances. Rather, just do the next, necessary thing.

Mel said...

Thank you for sharing your heart,Tami. You're such a sweet lady. Sending big hugs your way, wished you lived closer!!
Praying for you in every area you have mentioned in your last entry! Praying for the fundraisers to be a huge success and that your Jeremiah will come home quickly!

I have something funny to share, maybe a bit encouraging. I loathe - LOATHE flying. When we enter the airport and I know I have to fly, I have to find a bathroom as quick as possible, and no, I don't just go for little girls there, lol. I get miserably travel sick.

Once they shut the doors to the plane and are ready for take off i start bawling - i hate it! I think it's claustrophobia (my mom can't be in elevators, so it may be hereditary), and it about freaks me out knowing i cannot get out anymore. The turbulence's are a horrible nightmare and i about lose my cookies every time they hit an air pocket. flying is my living horror, BUT then i have to remind myself, that GOD is in control. Why should He make us crash after he so fervently put this adoption on our hearts to bring another child home?? on a side note, a plane crash is a quick death and I'd prefer a plane crash rather then many years of suffering from cancer or another sickness, lol.

God will not let you crash!!go with a good airline. go to www.airdisaster.com and compare the accident statistics.

Jes and I had the most horrible flight from Hong Kong to Taiwan. I've never experienced turbulence's that drastic and then we couldn't land (check my blog on entry 14th November 2008 on my regular blog).

Another idea , maybe your hubby is willing to go to Taiwan by himself? I know you want to meet your baby as quick as possible and be there for him, but just think of the amounts of $$'s (and a horrible flight, lol) you will be able to save if only one person flies. Jesse and I have to do that on our next trip to Ethiopia coming up. He will fly by himself for pick-up, that way we can save several thousand $$'s and pay off our adoption loan. My hubby would love for me to come, but we have to look at the financial aspect as well ;-(
Just a thought......

So sorry about those happenings in your old church, but glad God has led you to your new church where people seem to care for you :-)

Good has decided a church switch for us before and we were so glad we followed His call.

Praying for you Tami!

And I know, in a few short months, we both will be brand new mamas again :-) and all the pain of waiting and fund raising will be distanced memories.

May God bless you and give you comfort,

Mel

Tami and Bobby Sisemore Family said...

Lora, Judy and Mel :) Thank you Ladies for your support! It means so much to me! :) Mel as for Bobby going alone that is not an option because he is not the caregiver of babies! Especially special needs babies. He loves them and will play with them and will change a diaper on a rare occasion. Plus even if he could with Jeremiah being so severe and me being the main caretaker and the one that goes to the doctors and clinics and things everytime I need to be there to hear about medication and his schedule and all that. My best friend Pam will be going with us to Taiwan as well to help us , to video everything that is said, to be a source of support and prayer. It was recommended in this case that we bring a 3rd person so we will. She is an amazing friend to do this. She says she would not have it any other way :) I was there when she had her 2nd and 3rd children :) Almost in the room when number 2 was born :) She says she will be there when my number 2 is born into the family :) heehee Anyway, there is no way I am getting out of this flight, short of them allowing an escort which I have never heard of Heartsent doing!

brazzel6 said...

Tami, I totally understand your feelings and fears! Sometime maybe we can meet and share adoption stories!

I struggle with flying, too! I get air sick and have to take so much medicine that I am loopy by the time I arrive at my destination! I hate the feeling and would just rather not fly! I used to struggle with fear of flying, too, until I heard a preacher preaching about fear! He said that at one point he had been afraid of flying until he realized that the Lord had given him promises that were yet unfulfilled! He had not seen all of the promises that the Lord had spoken to him, so now when he gets on a plane he reminds himself and God of these promises! You have a promise! God is going to bring your son home, for one!! I am sure there are many more promises that you have yet to see! When you get on that plane, remind yourself and Him of the promise of your little man!

I will be praying for you and your family!
Kayla

Oh, and you have an awesome pastor and 1st family!

julia said...

Tami,

I've been busy w/our newest addition and haven't checked your blog in a long while. I haven't even updated my own blog in a few months. We, too, left our church about a year and half before we (officially) started our adoption process. Your post brought back feelings that I had. I remember thinking how much better and easier our support system could have/would have been had we been in our other church. But God had plans so much greater than we could ever had imagined. Our new church upheld us in prayer and supported us in ways that were so unbelievably overwhelming to us. God had things worked out and planned for us long before we started worrying, wondering, and begging for answers. He always does. But I so can relate to your feelings now. Stand firm on God's promises. His plans are always better than ours. Not always easier. And, for me, generally not what I would prefer. But He is always proven faithful.

Karrie said...

We had to leave our church home in the thick of our most recent adoption journey too. I experienced unknown rejection to the point where I could hardly hold my head up. We left because they would not support our adoption and the rescue of a desperate child without one other family interested in bringing home. I learned a lot about enduring rejection and I realized my child had endured it since he first opened his newborn eyes. When people look away from him of bahave awkwardly, I truly understand and now I know how as long as we are together lonliness is not a threat. Good job my Sister! You chose well, God is faithful. Fully Rely on God. Your Jeremiah is teaching you already that when you have nothing, love is all you need. Jesus said Love never fails. Never.

Annie said...

Tami,
My prayers are with you and I know God has a good plan for you. I pray that Jeremiah comes home soon and that God will provide all you need to make it happen. Oh! Why wouldn't God want that little guy in your arms?! You, who are willing, yearning and able to care for his very special needs? It just has to happen! May you find love and support and new friendships at your new church and healing with your friends from the old one.

THE WAIT FOR NOAH IS OVER!!!! November 3, 2007~September 8, 2008 First heard about Noah~Noah in our Arms!
AND NOW THE WAIT FOR JEREMIAH IS OVER TOO!!!
April 1, 2009~ June 7, 2010 First committed to Jeremiah~Jeremiah in our Arms!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!

The FIRST Picture we EVER saw!
Noah WesLee 5 months old

The First Picture we ever saw of:

The First Picture  we ever saw of:
Jeremiah Harold Sisemore ~1 year


Kisses in the Wind

KISSES IN THE WIND
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.


May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I sent to you each night.


When Love Takes You In!